So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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