why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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