i dont even know how to be here
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
