The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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