He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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