Swine flu is the new snow day.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
