i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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