would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
