OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
