oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
