you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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