The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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