is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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