if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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