I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I believe in your delicious
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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