did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
