I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
