I just threw up on my dentist
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
