We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
