Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
