This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
