On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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