If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
