You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
