i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
