You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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