I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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