your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
