I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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