new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
