plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
