Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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