hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
