my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
