You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
