its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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