Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
