No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
