I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
