atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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