i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
