glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
