I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
