I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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