I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You are the jesus of drinking
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
