He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
