Someone shit on the floor
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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