I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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