I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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