Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize