anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
