Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
