My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
