Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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