Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
this just has baby written all over it
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
