Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
