You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
