I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
