After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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