I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
