For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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