I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
