Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
