i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
