i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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