i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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