I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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