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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.

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• (905): View more from Toronto

  just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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• (914): View more from New York

  The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"

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• (252): View more from North Carolina

  it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet

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• (905): View more from Ontario

  I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?

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• (517): View more from Michigan

  Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.

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• (585): View more from New York

  He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."

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• (337): View more from Louisiana

  Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.

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• (318): View more from Louisiana

  U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.

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• (517): View more from Michigan

  fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick

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• (305): View more from Florida

  He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.

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• (240): View more from Maryland

  Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check

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• (518): View more from New York

  Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????

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