i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
