that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just high enough for therapy.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
