her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
are you so shy because you have an std?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
