are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
