just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
